Talk:Ixodida/@comment-4715955-20161121200500
Writing notes as I go just like before, then summarizing my thoughts at the end. I'm kinda sick today, so I started right in on it. The dialogue between Toni and Andrew feels like it belongs in a Hallmark movie: a little stilted. It could use a bit of a more naturalistic makeover. (I see now that it suggests how "perfect" their relationship is, but it makes the opening a bit weak) Toni's past crashing into her at the bus stop was interesting. I might be wrong (haven't read past the scene yet) but I got the impression that she used to be a man and hasn't told Andrew yet, but it's on creepypasta wiki so I suspect something else is actually the case. Whatever the secret is, I'm interested to find out, and I love that it happens at the bus stop right in front of Andrew. (this was actually a pretty good red herring: I was anticipating Skit as the antagonist, and that Toni's secret was the crux of the story, only to find out Andrew had an even bigger secret) Toni's "dream" she always coveted is a little vague. I imagine it was "getting out of her crappy home town and marrying Mr. Right" or something along those lines. (Nope, overcoming addiction and having a normal life -- I'd try making it plainer in the beginning that she's a former addict, maybe expanding Toni's and Skit's exchange about her cleaning up and being trans. It's good to reveal stuff like this in dialogue, but it's just subtle enough here that I wasn't too sure for some reason. might just be that I'm dense). The creature's reveal is a really interesting and unsettling scene, and I love that you don't let us get a good look at the thing. I also like that the seemingly creepy Skit seems concerned for his former friend, since I initially thought he was just a scuzzy addict who would cause problems for Toni later. He seems more human here, and it's a pleasant surprise. The house reveal is great, and reminds me of a favorite story in Scary Stories for Sleepovers. I actually didn't see this coming, and now I'm revisiting Skit's derision at how nice she thought her house was. Pretty horrifying scene without relying on the usual grotesquery a lot of pastas use for their "scary" moments. The creature's appearance is pretty unforgettable, too, and the transition back to her fantasy filled me with dread. I don't know if people actually spike drinks with heroin though. Definitely the highlight of the story. I'm on the fence about the ending. Structurally it's the sort of ending I always hope for in a horror story, but I guess it lacks punch because of the awesome scene preceding it. I can't really find anything wrong with it objectively, except that maybe it could be tightened up a bit. The addicts' perfect relationships with these creatures parallel the addictions they've been struggling with, or worked so hard to overcome, and it doesn't really come off as hamfisted like I would've expected from a creepypasta -- more like a convenience to the hedonistic aliens. This was leaps and bounds better than Witch. It needs a bit more proofreading to catch typos and punctuation errors (scolding instead of scalding, etc) and to make things clearer (Toni's status as transgendered, for example, if she is indeed transgendered), and the opening could be made a bit stronger (the Hallmark-esque dialogue serves its purpose suggesting a "perfect" relationship, but to a fault at times). The creatures are unique and truly memorable, and the horror reveals throughout are scary as hell. I would definitely recommend this one to pasta fans.